No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
