She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize