We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
