I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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