Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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