Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
