So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
