K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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