How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
