well you can't waste a boner
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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