You smell like a Billy Joel song
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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