So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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