dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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