I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
