Im at strip club and am horny
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize