Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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