I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
