I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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