I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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