Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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