I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
