Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
