my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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