I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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