Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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