Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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