Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
