Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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