bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
