did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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