i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
