when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
