Don't make out with my wife yet
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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