i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
