It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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