not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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