new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
