He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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