hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
