He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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