I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
