Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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