If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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