Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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