All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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