I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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