I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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