@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
