And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
