i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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