i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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