I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
