You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
