I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
