Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
