Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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