I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
