She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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