i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
