how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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