You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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