My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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