Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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