as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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